Part 211: Chapter the Thirteenth: Bon voyage, Bruno Santos.
Chapter the Thirteenth: Bon voyage, Bruno Santos.April 25, 2027-May 18, 2027
We've already stumbled too much over the past month to even match Manchester United's record 100 point season. That leaves us with only one goal. Winning the Champions League. To do that we need to defeat Bruno Santos in his swan song.
I'm going to miss him.
vs Chelsea, April 27, 2027
Champions League, Semifinal Home Tie
It would behoove us to get off to a fast start against Chelsea and bank several goals for our trip to Stamford Bridge. I really wish I could count on Thiago to provide us some offense, but he's only scored 13 goals since the start of 2027, and 3 of those came against League One Bury in the FA Cup. 10 goals against real opposition in 24 games is a huge decline in production.
Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control
Starting 11: Minami, Reed, Tounkara, Hammatt, Loseille, Laux, Shirra, Mercado, Allan, Mujkic (c), Stringel.
Subs: Kocsis, Cirjak, Quiboulaz, Maloney, Ünsal, Parr, Thiago.
Mujkic's discipline issues continue, he picks up a yellow card after tripping the Chelsea right fullback in the first couple minutes. A few minutes after that, though, we grab the lead with a sublime, marvelous bomb by Isaac Stringel, who pressed centerback Besar Lluca hard for the ball and then unleashed the mammoth drive with Lluca hanging all over him. Ten minutes later Loseille makes an inch perfect tackle at midfield, and Stringel's off to the races. He arrives in the box with four blue jerseys collapsing on him, so rather than taking the low chance shot he slides a perfect ball to the late arriving Callum Allan, who has all day to finish.
We're blessed by more Stringel brilliance when Chelsea's defensive midfielder fails to control a throw from his keeper, Stringel's able to hustle to the ball and move it on to Mujkic, who has only daylight in front of him. It's three-nil after thirty-three minutes on the Meteor's 100th career goal for Wrexham. Four minutes later and String grabs his second goal of the game, this one created by Allan after a poorly aimed header by Chelsea's left midfielder gives our attacking midfielder room to run and plenty of space to pass ahead to our striker. Most delightful to me is that at halftime we've created two clear cut chances and two half chances, and scored four goals.
It doesn't take long into the second half for Stringel to polish off his hat trick, as Mercado is able to get him the ball in the six yard box by somehow weaving a pass through four tightly packed Chelsea defenders. From there on out we slow down the pace and focus on keeping Chelsea from scoring, and finish out a resounding victory. Barring an act of divine intervention we're going to defend our Champions League title.
Man of the Match: Isaac Stringel
Wrexham 5-0 Chelsea
Sure, blame your players. I bet they just love that. I hope they don't react poorly considering you're still fighting to qualify for the Champions League.
Oooh, Napoli managed to draw United in Manchester, and grab an away goal to boot. United are going to have to play well in the shadow of Vesuvius to book their own spot in the final. I'm hoping they fail, it would be nice to see someone other than Manchester United playing us for all the marbles.
Get your damned flu shots! Not for yourselves (although not getting the flu is nice) but for all the young kids and old people who could actually get seriously ill!
Bayern's Duhnke has recovered well from his torn hamstring, but I still don't see how he could be better than one of our players.
I'd say “Take that, Arfon Griffiths” but that dude not only coached the club but later became club president. I'd have to go another twenty years as manager before I even got close to his level of longevity.
vs West Ham United, May 1, 2027
Premier League
With nothing on the line I'm going to be giving several of our younger players time on the pitch over our final four matches. I'm also going to give Thiago a chance to answer Stringel and show me why he should get his job back.
Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control
Starting 11: Kocsis, Cirjak (c), Tounkara, Quiboulaz, Mattuschka, Zouaghi, Ünsal, Moctezuma, Pickee, Damgaard, Thiago.
Subs: Minami, Leandro, Marquez, Bailey, Bale, Alvir, Blyth.
West Ham scores the first goal. Unfortunately for them, it was an own goal. The rest of the match is a desultory affair, but we never let the Hammers threaten and gave kids like Alvir, Marquez, and Mattuschka their first taste of the Premier League. Still nothing from Thiago, though. I really think he might have become Fernando Torres.
Man of the Match: Dramane Tounkara
Wrexham 1-0 West Ham
The final loan report of the year comes in. While our players generally did well (with a couple exceptions... looking at you, Libor Ciganek and Keith Coleman) only Ellis Rickard had a very good season. He finished third in the Championship in goals scored, a solid total for a kid of twenty.
Super Mercado is calling it quits after a fifteen year career that saw him score 187 league goals, rack up 106 assists, win six La Liga titles and another two Premier League titles, two Europa League crowns, and possibly two Champions League trophies... not to mention being a four time Ballon d'Or winner, three time World Player of the Year winner, and innumerable other major honors. Hombre is going to go down as one of the best players of all time.
Napoli got me the greatest gift possible for my birthday, not having to play Man U for the fifth straight time in a major trophy showdown.
Let's hope United screw up the FA Cup final as badly as they did last year. I'd love for them to be shut out of the major honors.
At Chelsea, May 5, 2027
Champions League, Semifinal Away Tie
All Chelsea can do is hope to restore some of their pride with a solid victory. I don't want to give Santos the pleasure, so we're going to come out and try to win this match. I won't be using James Loseille or Mateo Mujkic, however, as they're both one yellow card away from a suspension and it would be the height of irresponsibility to risk them for the final just to stick it to a retiring coach.
Starting Formation: 4-5-1 Counter
Starting 11: Minami, Reed, Hammatt, Laux, Quiboulaz, Maloney, Shirra, Allan, Parr, Damgaard, Stringel.
Subs: Kocsis, Cirjak, Tounkara, Bailey, Ünsal, Mercado, Thiago.
Chelsea start the match with more vim and vigor than they showed at the Racecourse, but we're still first to score thanks to a Shahed Parr strike from outside the area. Now Chelsea need seven goals to survive. That becomes eight when Wrexham whipping boy Bravo Lluca puts it into his own net, and we storm out to a two-nothing lead before the break.
In the second half things get even worse for the home team, as Shahed Parr is tackled from behind in the penalty area after 55 minutes. It's an abject capitulation at Stamford Bridge, and Santos has fled to the far edge of the technical area to try and avoid my raucous laughter at his expense. The trip of Parr does make me pull him from the game, the last thing I need is him getting hurt in garbage time. We see the match out with class, but I make sure to pull a baseball cap low on my head and sneak into Bruno's post game press conference.
Man of the Match: The Golden Boy
Chelsea (0) 0-3 (8) Wrexham
That felt so, so good.
With the final being held at the San Siro in Italy you'd expect Napoli to have some home field advantage, but I'm not sure the Milanese will be all that eager to see so many Neapolitians streaming up from the south.
The club will pick up another £5.5m for making the final.
Up the Swans! England will never have their precious Cup back! Now Ryan McLeod is left to explain to the press why the Community Shield is enough to merit calling his season successful.
At Southampton, May 9, 2027
Premier League
Why yes, we are throwing this match in an effort to get Southampton into the Champions League. I'll be looking for my check in the mail, Sky Shadowing. If you can't beat a team where the oldest starter is Ali Bouzid, who turned 19 in February, I don't know what to tell you. I do know that you need to win this game to have any hope of catching Chelsea, who've opened up a five point lead on you with two games to play. If they beat Tottenham you're toast anyways.
Starting Formation: 4-4-2 Vivace
Starting 11: Landgraf, Leandro, Sadula, Spyropoulos, Mattuschka, Marquez, Bale (c), Lewis, Bouzid, Blyth, Moctezuma.
Subs: Kocsis, Patel, Davies, Zouaghi, Alvir, Hubert, Yilmaz.
Well, I don't know what to say. It was 22 minutes in and Ali Bouzid had just put Wrexham ahead one-nil. Then it was still one-nil at the half, and Chelsea were beating the tar out of Tottenham. Finally, it's two-nil after 78 minutes and a Rodrigo Moctezuma goal, while Chelsea are still up by three. I guess you could say you were let down by Noel Tosh again in the Chelsea match, but that would ignore the result on the field.
Man of the Match: Mehmet Sadula
Southampton 0-2 Wrexham
Seriously, how do you lose to a group of teenagers?
vs Derby County, May 12, 2027
Premier League
I'm going to try and avoid having our starters play more than one of the two matches we have left before the Champions League finale, I don't want a major cog in our machine getting broken when there's nothing on the line.
Starting Formation: 4-4-2 Vivace
Starting 11: Minami, Cirjak, Hammatt, Tounkara, Maloney, Mercado, Mujkic (c), Pickee, Stringel, Thiago.
Subs: Kocsis, Quiboulaz, Laux, Zouaghi, Allan, Damgaard, Parr
It's the 21st minute, and something wonderful has happened. Thiago's found the net again! Isaac Stringel adds a second, but takes a knock and I pull him in an abundance of caution. Thiago scores again late, and it's looking like he might have finally ended his months-long funk.
Man of the Match: Thiago
Wrexham 3-0 Derby
vs Leeds United, May 16, 2027
Premier League
A win will set a new club points record of 99. A win of two goals would set a new club record for goal differential, while a win by four goals would set a new Premier League record. A win or a draw would set a club record for fewest losses in a season. That's about all we have to play for.
Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control
Starting 11: Kocsis, Cirjak, Tounkara, Laux, Quiboulaz, Bailey (c), Ünsal, Moctezuma, Mercado, Damgaard, Thiago.
Subs: Minami, Loseille, Hammatt, Zouaghi, Allan, Parr, Stringel.
Goals from Dramane Tounkara in the first half and Thiago in the second allow us to close out the league season on a high note. Justin Bailey, who's been with us since the start, wins the man of the match award thanks to his two assists.
Man of the Match: Justin Bailey.
Wrexham 2-0 Leeds
Ah, that's more like it. Once we get the rest of our Champions League money we'll be back in the black.
Everton finished 7th last season, and were in the Europa League this year. That's what they get for selling their star player to Manchester United on the final day of the transfer window.
Now Everton will lose their other star, defensive midfielder Andre Williams. I don't know that they're going to come right back up to the Premier League.
Noel Tosh does what he does best, leading his club to relegation for the seventh time in his career, and Tottenham are proven fools for trusting him. They suffer their first relegation since the 1970s for their foolishness. I couldn't be happier about it.
It's a far cry from the 40 goals he scored the previous year, but Thiago still wins the golden boot.
He also picks up the Player of the Year award, showing that the media have no clue what they're doing.
Meanwhile, James Loseille takes over for Isaac Stringel as the
And I get another bauble.
Only a handful of our players make the team of the year, though, which strikes me as odd. It is nice to see a player from a smaller club make it, though, as Crystal Palace's attacking midfielder Eddie Keevil did.
Godspeed, you crazy asshole.
Chelsea are keen on the man who's lead Braga to the Portuguese title two years in a row.
But instead they go with their former coach, Victor Romanchuk, who had previously ditched them to coach the English national team to a first knockout round exit at the World Cup.
Take him. I can find someone better.
Or not. Darn. De Campos is our only coach who isn't a 4.5 or 5 star marvel.
Bring on El Tri! I want to avenge our U20 team.
Ah crud. I'd forgotten about this. He can wait for my offer until after the Champions League final, though.
Is it not enough that you took their other star? Must you steal Williams too?
Apparently so.
Now if you'll excuse me, I've got something to take care of in Italy.
Hey, screw you buddy. Ryan McLeod would have been nice and friendly in the run-up to the final, but instead you had to make this personal.
So I just realized something at the press conference in Italy. Mexico called up Isaac Stringel to play in the Gold Cup. I figured that wasn't going to matter, the matches don't start until the second week of June. But no, he's already in their camp. So now we're going to have to play the Champions League final without him, because Mexico thinks their friendlies before the goddamned worthless Gold Cup are more important than the Champions League Final. I will grind your bones into powder for this, Mexico.
I will be doing a minute-by-minute of the Champions League final on this thread, as well as putting up a choppy, not very good stream on Twitch. That will take place on Monday at 3pm EST (8pm GMT/9pm CET) and will run for about two hours. Veni, vidi, vici!